*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.