America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
You Might Also Like
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me when my alarm goes off
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.