Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
me logging onto twitter