There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.