Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Lol
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?