[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”