5 ways to appear taller
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Introverted vegans go meetless
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’