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If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”