I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)