A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.