Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Good morning
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]