Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.