On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else