me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use