The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
me
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss