It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
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If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time