Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.