It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*