you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
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I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
oh shit
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk