When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Happy Thanksgiving
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable