The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Happy Thanksgiving
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,