When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days