“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.