Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed