Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?