Easy enough.
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps