When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”