My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Peace was never an option
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Florida be like…
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*