Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You Might Also Like
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Order here:
More here:
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.