Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…