Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes