Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?