If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
You Might Also Like
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.