[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Note to self: always read the final line
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Born to be mild.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey