I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
what the hell pray for carter everyone
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN