For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Nothing.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.