Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Cheer up.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.