it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
For the baby who has everything
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there