I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
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road rage
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.