What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Stop.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.