I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
this is how life feels
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.