Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle