Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’m giving up ice.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.