passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.