Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
You Might Also Like
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
God, I love Scotland
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns