I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
you have three unread messages
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.