I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Get in loser we’re going crying
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My favorite farside!!
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife