IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy