Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
What?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.