Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Hero horse inspires millions
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro